


Subtext (it's all about the...)

by josephina_x



Category: Smallville
Genre: (oh so very much so -grin-), Cell Phones, Embarrassment, Foreign Language, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Jor-El's A+ Parenting, Language Barrier, Lex Being Lex, M/M, No Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-01
Updated: 2013-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-10 02:11:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/780574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josephina_x/pseuds/josephina_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somebody has been sending Lex kinky text messages. Using Clark's cellphone.</p><p>Clark is not amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ciaan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciaan/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The BDSM Language AU](https://archiveofourown.org/works/297864) by [ciaan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciaan/pseuds/ciaan). 



> Title: Subtext (it's all about the...)  
> Author: [josephina_x](http://josephina-x.livejournal.com)  
> Fandom: Smallville  
> Pairing: pre-Clex  
> Rating: R (for implied BDSM stuff)  
> Spoilers: general for the first three seasons, takes place early season 4-ish  
> Word count: 2200+ (+3400 bonus chapter! :)  
> Summary: Somebody has been sending Lex kinky text messages. Using Clark's cellphone.
> 
> Clark is not amused.  
> Warnings: Un-beta'd.  
> Disclaimer: Not mine, not-for-profit.  
> Comments: Yes, please! :)  
> Author's Note: For the [clexmas 2013 Spring Fling Remix Challenge](http://clexmas.livejournal.com/73820.html)! This is a "remix" of [ciaan's The BDSM Language AU](http://archiveofourown.org/works/297864), about which she says: "[Basically, the AI starts teaching Clark Kryptonian, and it turns out you can't even say anything without marking who's a dom or a sub. I meant to write more of this and only ended up with a drabble so would really enjoy other people exploring the idea.](http://clexmas.livejournal.com/74443.html#cutid1)"
> 
> Thus, this isn't exactly a "proper" remix; it's more of an extension or continuation of what she wrote, of the "inspirational" type. (Just FYI.)
> 
> And please feel free to disparage me mightily for using a pun as the title of the piece. (Yes, Nicnac, that means **you** :-P )

~*~*~*~*~*~

Clark sighed as he tromped into the Talon that weekend afternoon and dropped down into a seat at an empty booth. He could really use a pick-me-up. That crazy Jor-El AI and his kinky sex language.

It was bad enough that apparently his entire planet was populated by a bunch of lunatic perverts, and that he'd had their weird language **downloaded into his brain** so there was probably no getting it out ever at this point. It was worse that he was having to consciously and deliberately learn the language from the AI all over again before it would even think about trying to "play nice" with him, because apparently his "human-warped" brain hadn't been able to take it in completely right the first time. But now? _Now_ the AI was stuck on trying to get him to marry Lex Luthor! Seriously, what the hell??

Unfortunately, because Clark didn't want a repeat of trying to blow Kryptonian stuff up that had the AI inside it -- the ship had left a huge crater and there had been that whole EM pulse thing, he'd gotten burned badly during that whole mess; who knew how bad it would be if he tried that stuff on the caves? -- this meant that he had to try and get along with the thing, and it didn't want to have to keep speaking to him in English. The AI claimed that there were concepts that wouldn't translate properly to English from Kryptonian and that he had to learn the language " _properly_ " to do so. Clark had a sneaking suspicion that anything that wasn't easily translatable to English was something he really didn't want to know, anyway.

That, or it was a lying liar and just wanted an excuse to talk dirty to somebody because _apparently all Kryptonians were perverts_ , and god did he wish even more fervently and frequently these days that he'd been born human instead of, well, _him_.

Plus, the only way he could think of to stop all this taking-over-the-world-for-him business was to get rid of the thing before it got _somebody_ to say yes to it. And the only way Clark could think of to get rid of it would be to gain the AI's confidence, have it teach him everything it knew about Kryptonian tech... and then shut it down or turn it off or wipe it out -- whatever would work best, Clark wasn't picky. The tricky part was going to be getting it to explain enough before it realized what it had done and could stop him, that it couldn't trust him.

Clark also had the sneaking suspicion that, if he actually managed to pull this off, that the AI would probably reconsider him to be a dom after all and be all proud of him for starting his world-conquering with the last Kryptonian stuff around, or something, in a very Lionel Luthor-y sort of way. (It wasn't really a _pleasant_ sort of thought, actually. It didn't mean Clark wasn't gonna follow through on it, though.)

Clark looked up as he heard approaching footsteps and brightened.

"Lex!" Clark greeted the bald billionaire, his best friend, with a grin. --He wasn't about to let that dumb old AI's talk about marriage and domination put a damper on enjoying his friend's company. Stupid AI.

Lex gave him a smile, and slid down onto the seat across from him in the booth. "Clark."

"I haven't seen you in awhile," Clark said, settling into the booth and relaxing for the first time in... well, days. --The last time he'd seen Lex, in fact. Lex was a pretty calming guy ...at least, he was when he wasn't caught up in crazy Smallville weirdness that was trying to kill-him-dead, anyway.

"Well, now you have," Lex said congenially, catching the eye of a waitress and making an elaborate hand gesture that always seemed to work out to them both getting what they wanted ordered and bussed over to them. "Is hot cocoa all right?" he asked, lowering his hand, having already finished signaling for it.

It was a rhetorical question, made for the sake of politeness, but Clark nodded anyway. One of these days he was gonna figure out how Lex always knew what he wanted to order before he ever said anything.

"So, um, Lex," Clark began, "You know about the Art of War, right?"

Lex tilted his head slightly, considering him. "Yes, I do believe I do," he said, with a small, slightly intrigued smile.

Clark blinked, then shook himself. "I mean, you have a copy of the book in your library, right? Could I borrow it?"

"Certainly, Clark," Lex said. There was a pause as he accepted the drinks from the waitress for them both. "Do you need it for a school project?" he asked.

"Huh?" Clark said, looking up from the mug that Lex had slid across the table to him.

"...You don't want it for a reading assignment for one of your classes?" Lex asked, his smile widening slightly as he took a sip from his own cup.

"Uh, no," Clark admitted. "I just thought it'd be useful." Lex had talked about the book a lot before, and it had sounded like it was all strategies on winning against better opponents and stuff. Clark could use some strategy, when it came to that AI -- and as far as he was concerned, the more human the better. Jor-El would never see it coming.

"...Useful?"

"Well, yeah," Clark said.

"For what?"

Clark nearly did a spit-take on his cocoa. He hadn't meant-- "Um. That's-- I mean-- I just--" he stammered.

Lex folded his hands under his chin and leaned slightly forward, bracing his elbows on the table. "Relax, Clark. I was just... curious."

It was about this point that Clark realized that Lex's smiles were a bit more enigmatic than usual, and he also seemed to be giving Clark the full focus of his attention, like he hadn't done in awhile. "Um. Is something wrong?" Clark asked, wondering what was so weirdly riveting about him today. He scrubbed at his mouth with the back of his hand, just in case.

"No, Clark, there's nothing on your face," Lex told him with a slight laugh.

"Um. Good," said Clark. He stared down into his cocoa for awhile. "I guess I just thought--" he began, then realized that that probably wasn't the way to go. If the AI was interested in Lex's potential for world-conquering and stuff, it probably wasn't a good idea to try and tap Lex's brain for how to go about conquering world-conquerors. It might set a bad precedent. "Never mind. I don't really need it that bad or anything."

"...But you are interested in reading it," Lex probed lightly.

"I guess," Clark said noncommittally, turning his mug's handle this way and that.

"...Clark."

"Yeah?"

"Look at me, please."

Clark frowned slightly and looked up. It was kind of an odd request. Oddly direct, too. Lex didn't usually--

Lex caught his gaze and held it.

Clark sat there and looked right back at him. He couldn't help but frown slightly, not sure what Lex was looking for, or trying to see. He shifted a little in place, wondering what was going on and wracking his brains for reasons why. That week had been pretty quiet so far, though. Clark couldn't think of anything suspicious that he might've done for Lex to be getting on his case about. --Not that Lex seemed angry, exactly. If anything, he seemed almost...

"Do you have your phone on you?" Lex asked suddenly.

Clark blinked, because, well, _that_ was a weird change in topic.

"Sure," Clark said, digging into his back pocket for it. He pulled it out and set it down on the table in front of him.

"May I see it?"

O-kay. This was getting a little odd. "...Sure?" Clark said, sliding the cellphone across the table to him.

Lex picked it up with slender fingers and powered the screen on. He glanced up at Clark with a slight frown as he pushed a few keys. "You don't have a passcode set." It wasn't a question.

"No," said Clark. Why would he lock his phone? It wasn't like there was anything incriminating on there.

"On a related note," Lex began, "Where were you this morning at about 10 o'clock?"

"In the Kawatche caves," Clark told him, sitting back. There was no reason to keep that a secret -- Lex was totally fine with Clark going down there whenever he wanted, and he knew he did it a lot.

Lex glanced up at Clark again, and his slight frown deepened. "Do you get cell service down there?"

"No," said Clark, confused. "Do you?"

"No," said Lex, going back to tapping through something on Clark's phone.

"...Wait, did you call me this morning?" Clark said, putting two and two together.

Lex glanced up at him again, a little longer this time. "No, I didn't call." He glanced down at Clark's phone again and got a rueful look, his face clearing. "Who had your phone this morning?"

"I did," said Clark, and he wasn't sure why Lex suddenly froze for a moment.

"Are you sure?" Lex asked, watching him intently.

"Yes, I'm sure," Clark said, starting to feel a little irritated. "And I don't really understand why you need to look through my call log like that," he said, holding out his hand for his phone back, because there was really no other reason why Lex would be tapping at the arrow keys like that if that wasn't what he was cycling through, checking for something, and Clark was starting to feel a little affronted at the assault to his privacy.

Lex paused, then flipped the phone around and said, "I wasn't checking the call log," before he handed it back to Clark.

Clark frowned and looked down. Lex wasn't lying; he hadn't been looking through his cell phone's call logs.

No, Lex had been looking through his text messages.

"What the hell?" Clark said. He didn't have text messages on his plan. His parents had said it would cost too much. Heck, the thing was supposed to be _disabled_ from doing that.

"I take it you didn't get Chloe to hack your way into free messaging," Lex said slowly.

"Uh, _no_ ," Clark responded, staring at the phone like it had bit him, and scrolling through dozens of messages. "How the heck--?!" He hadn't even known people could... do...

...Maybe not people.

_I am going to **kill** that AI!_

And then the actual _content_ of one of the messages caught his eye.

Clark blinked.

"Ah..." Lex said quietly.

Clark's eyes narrowed.

"I really don't think--" he heard Lex say quickly, and he saw a hand reach forward in his peripheral vision.

Clark sat back in his seat in the booth, pulling the phone screen close.

Lex quieted. The hand paused, then retreated.

Clark scrolled to the top of the list and started reading. Slowly.

His jaw began to clench. He could feel himself starting to turn a little red.

"Clark--"

"I'm reading."

Lex shifted slightly in his seat.

He stayed quiet until Clark finished.

"I knew it wasn't you," he said, when Clark finally looked up at him again. "I was just... trying to figure out who it was."

"Uh huh," Clark said neutrally. Very, very neutrally.

"...I take it you have an idea who sent those texts, ah, through your account?" Lex asked carefully.

"Yes," said Clark, standing.

Lex seemed to stifle a wince.

"It... just seemed odd, when you asked about Sun Tzu first thing," Lex offered, standing quickly after a second or so delay of staring at Clark. "Because it came up in the..." Lex trailed off when Clark looked up at him.

"Yeah. I guess," Clark added stiffly, stuffing his phone back in his pocket and pulling out his wallet. He tossed a few bills on the table.

"Clark..."

"Later."

Lex didn't follow him out.

Which was kind of okay, because Clark didn't really want Lex anywhere near the caves right now.

Stupid AI. Clark didn't know how it had managed to suborn his phone, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. Or cared. Those specifics weren't what was taking up all his emotional control right then.

Clark headed off for the caves at normal speed. He couldn't risk running in there as mad as he was right then, but this couldn't wait. Clark _was_ going to go and confront the Jor-El. **Now.**

 _I'll start by telling him that the thing wasn't fooling anybody with those texts,_ he thought with a crystal-cold calm. _If it knows that it can't hook me up with Lex by pretending to be me and... talking like that... to **Lex**..._

Clark had to stifle the growl that started, deep in his chest.

And if it didn't get the message?

...Well, then forget trying to get along. Clark could make explosions with the best of them. He kind of felt inclined to exploding _at_ the thing at the top of his lungs as it was, just as a matter of principle.

And if the AI ever tried anything like this again?

...Then there would be Kryptonite.

 **Lots** and **lots** of Kryptonite.

~*~*~*~*~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got convinced to write Lex's side of things. So -- bonus chapter coming soon! (The first chapter can be read only on its own, though. It was originally meant as a one-shot.)
> 
> EDIT: Now up! *yay*


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter! You can thank (or blame) Nicnac for it. Whichever your fancy.

~*~*~*~*~*~

_10:30:14 -- Greetings, sexy human-who-thinks-he-is-better-than-other-humans. Can you-who-believes-himself-of-superior-height support this assertion-claim? Y/N?_

Lex blinked down at his cellphone.

He double-checked the phone number. ...Yes, that really _was_ Clark's number.

He wondered if Pete had dared Clark to do something stupid again, and that this was that "something stupid."

**10:31:12 -- Y**

He sent the minimalist reply with a small smile, and began to slip his phone back into his coat pocket. That ought to be enough to convince Pete to let Clark off the hook without--

His phone *beep*ed almost immediately.

Lex paused, then slowly pulled it out again.

_10:31:13 -- Interesting-yet-vague-as-twilight-shadows direct-response from one-who-is-confident-of-their-positioning. Tell this-one-of-nebulous-height more._

...

...okay...

Lex could see a few things wrong with this picture. The most immediate one was the timestamp. _No-one_ could text that fast.

He frowned slightly when he realized in the next breath that, technically, he'd been texted a generic response that would have worked for either response of his, so long as it was brief. It could have been sent as soon as he'd hit the 'send' key, right after it had been received. About a minute of typing was reasonable for that amount of text.

He blinked as his phone *beep*ed again.

_10:31:30 -- Tell this-one-of-nebulous-height more-of-this. It is demanded-at-this-stage. Unfulfillment-of-this-one-of-nebulous-height's-measure is met-with-disapproval-of-conversant._

Wow. Arrogant much? And pushy.

His phone sounded again as a new message came in.

Lex added 'impatient' to the list.

_10:31:40 -- Conversant-of-proposed-standing gives no support of assertion-claim. Logic-of-body-mind dictates that conversant-of-proposed-standing is lying. Y/N?_

\--And aggressive. Lex frowned at the derogatory tone the texts had quickly descended into. There was no way this was Clark. He didn't make a _joke_ of _lying_.

**10:31:45 -- N**

Lex sent quickly, then added,

**10:31:55 -- Thoughtful responses take time. If you want a query answered, either be patient, or stop texting me. Your choice.**

He held out his phone to wait for his 'conversant' on the other end to think it over, but...

_10:31:56 -- Concern of conversant-of-proposed-standing is valid-in-this-instance. Intelligent effective-thought-transfer does require greater-passage-of-time for humans-of-any-stature. Continue-in-inferior-technological-use to attempt-with-appropriate-ability a demonstration-in-duly-spread-form of proposed-logic-of-body-mind. Waiting-for-appopriate-pleasurable-response will occur-in-tandem-without-a-gasp._

Lex had to stifle a laugh, because _what???_ Well, that answered one thing at least -- English was clearly **not** this person's first language! ...Maybe it was supposed to be a direct translation of Russian? This treatment of modifiers seemed to be tacked on to the nouns more than the verbs, though, and it was the verbs that used noun modifiers in that language. Similarly with Japanese...

... _Oh hell -- the timestamp!_ There was _no way_ a human could have typed a response that fast, and it explicitly referred to his previous message!

Ah, but a _computer_ response would explain the strange language structure and the response time. Now _that_ was intriguing. Automatic interpretation software was difficult enough to try and get right. Automatic generation of interactive _responses_ that were semantically correct was even more difficult.

Interestingly, the response structure was not simple -- in fact, it was far more complex than it came across as at a first glance.

Lex briefly wondered who might have convinced Clark to give them their phone for this little demonstration.

He stared at his phone for a while, cradling it as he considered whether he should continue to respond to this unknown party on the other end of the line.

He was also wondering about the word choice. It was... odd, like it almost reminded him of something, but not quite. It tickled at the back of his mind.

Maybe if he was careful how he posed things, he might be able to figure out who was controlling the other end of the conversation.

But first...

**10:32:49 -- Before I answer your question, I'd like to ask a question of my own.**

_10:32:50 -- Queries are always-welcome-with-this-one. Satisfaction-at-completion is assured._

Lex had to blink at that one for a moment.

He cleared his throat, despite realizing full well how silly that was to do when he was _texting_ , for god's sake, and then sent:

**10:33:10 -- Is there a reason why your responses are not being made using the standard grammar for English?**

_10:33:11 -- The human-English-language that conversant-of-proposed-standing uses-most-frequently for purposes-of-body-mind-communication is imprecise-in-thoroughly-disgusting-manner and inaccurate-in-more-thoroughly-disgusting-manner. Precision-and-clarity-of-beautious-nature are necessary-though-less-than-sufficient for purposes-of-body-mind-communication. A high-level-of-importance is assigned to pursuit-of-solidified-relative-standing though body-mind-communication by this-one-of-nebulous-height with conversant-of-proposed-standing._

Lex stared at that one for a moment, amused, because... _Did this thing really just try to say that..._

_10:33:14 -- I can use standard English grammatical forms if you wish this._

...Lex might be reading into the tone a bit there, but that last response sounded almost sulky.

He frowned for a moment, then tried,

**10:33:34 -- That depends on whether I am understanding you correctly. Did you just try to say that open lines of communication are important in a serious relationship?**

Lex hit 'send' and waited patiently.

There was a long pause.

_10:34:05 -- Y._

Lex had to stifle a laugh. _Yes, **definitely** sulky._ But...

Lex absently swiveled back and forth in his chair a bit, as he sat behind his desk in the library at the mansion and considered his phone.

_Hmmmm..._

...Well, it _was_ the weekend, and he didn't really have anything to do that afternoon. Sure, why not? He'd play.

He smirked as he typed in:

**10:35:05 -- All right. If I can understand you, then there's no reason not to try and converse as accurately as possible.**

He sent his response, and waited a bit.

_10:36:00 -- The understanding of conversant-of-proposed-standing is paramount in this conversation. Some allowances can be made without ill-thought of potential-partner-being-vetted for future-body-mind-communication._

Huh. Well, in that case...

_10:36:05 -- Significant mutual time delay for the purposes of politeness is also not considered a hardship._

Lex's smile twitched up at one corner.

**10:36:20 -- That is gracious of you.**

_10:36:25 -- Thank you. Would the conversant-of-proposed-standing like to begin by stating their strengths-of-personality-and-character?_

Lex grinned.

After that, the morning became a sort of game of how far Lex could work his way up in the thing's confidences and esteem. He went from being a "conversant-of-proposed-standing" to a "conversant-of-superior-human-standing" to simply "conversant-of-superior-standing." He got the feeling that this was apparently a good thing. It was a little odd to him that apparently the thing liked one of what he considered to be one of his failings quite a _lot_. He wasn't entirely sure how to take it that "excessive ambition" was apparently a good thing?

It didn't ever ask anything that would have set off warning bells in his mind, though -- nothing personal. If anything, it only seemed to be after determining his personality and character ...just like it had said.

After awhile, he finally realized what had been bugging him about this thing, and when he did it made him laugh -- because by this point, he was almost dead-certain he was correct.

It had reminded him quite a bit of something he'd come across during a trip he'd made to Japan with his father when he'd been in his younger teens. He'd snuck away to Akihabara Square at one point. He'd mostly just been interested in seeing what the Japanese versions of Warrior Angel were like. But before he'd been found and dragged back to their hotel, he'd also eventually gotten around to playing around with a few console-based dating sims -- with amateur English translations, of course, because he hadn't known enough of the language back then.

It had definitely been worth the lecture from Lionel at the time. And those Japanese dating sims -- basically, just porny versions of choose-your-own-adventure stories for adults -- had only been a very small part of that trip, which had happened so many years ago, so he'd largely forgotten about it.

...at least until now.

He couldn't really say _why_ he had that feeling. No single text seemed to suggest it straight-out. But there was a subtle sort of trend, and, taken as a whole...

It had been _flirting_ with him.

Lex didn't really _mind_ , exactly. It just added an extra interesting dimension to what was already a very intriguing AI conversation program. And it wasn't like he didn't already have a reputation for flirting with anything that moved, and some things that didn't.

He _really_ started to get into the conversation, though, when it began to ask him about the various historical conquests of Earth...

~*~*~*~*~*~

When his "conversant-of-under-standing" -- a self-given title of the computer AI that made Lex want to giggle at it every time he read it, if for no other reason than because the thing was positively obsessed with "over/under" standing in relationships -- finally brought things to a close and eventually signed off, Lex was very much looking forward to going to the Talon that afternoon. It had indicated that it would be there shortly and would like to continue the conversation there in-person ...by which Lex inferred that the computer program's author would be there and willing to discuss the details of what had been a very interesting and exciting demonstration, by anyone's standards. Lex had been thoroughly impressed by the breadth and depth of the thing.

Meeting up with Clark there had thrown a wrench in the works, because the last text had been pretty clear about wanting to talk with him one-on-one.

...or at least he thought it had, until Clark brought up The Art of War, and Lex realized that Clark might be in on it more than he'd realized.

At least, that had been Lex's first thought, right up until he was able to convince Clark to let him check his phone and realized that those odd text messages had been sent _directly_ from Clark's cellphone -- whoever it was _hadn't_ just spoofed the number.

As he scrolled down, he also began to realize with a growing disquiet what _wasn't_ there. Some of both his and "Clark's" texts were missing from Clark's phone, or had been deleted -- notably all the talk about hypothetical scenarios for ruling the world, as a start.

Lex hadn't taken it _too_ seriously at the time, of course, when he'd been asked. Mostly he'd just discussed legal methods of domination through economic superiority, nothing damning or otherwise dangerous or, well, very _fast_ , at any rate.

At least, he had _thought_ it hadn't been. Nothing he would not be able to recognize and stop, if he had to.

His eyes narrowed slightly as he realized that the timestamps for the texts didn't seem to show any gaps that a simple deletion would leave behind as evidence of a suspect "lull" in the conversation, either.

Realizing that Clark had been in the caves all morning and that the texts should never have gone through startled Lex. Worse, Lex was fairly sure that Clark wasn't lying to him about this.

It wasn't until Lex handed Clark's phone back to him that he realized his mistake. With some of the interim messages gone, the subtle flirting suddenly sounded a lot more like... _not_ -so-subtle flirting.

After all, there weren't very many ways somebody could take _Such pleasurable activities should be enjoyed by more than one partner at a time,_ when the surrounding texts had been deleted and all original context had been lost.

"Ah..."

Especially when, after the deletions, it had come right on the heels of **Actually, there are a good number of uses for whipped cream**. --Cookies and pumpkin pie? _Not_ supposed to be that sexy.

Not that he hadn't actually been obliquely flirting there -- he had. Lex hadn't really been trying to tone it down from _his_ end, either. It had been fun, seeing what strange thing he could get the AI to say next.

But really, how was it his fault that he could go from talking about the bake sale at the town's Corn Queen Festival to discussing laughing at comedic films during movie nights with Clark in less than a minute?

_Oh, hell._

"I really don't think--"

Clark pulled it back, well out of Lex's reach, looking very frown-y.

_Uh oh._

Lex had a long internal debate about whether to offer his phone up to Clark, to let him read the entire conversation.

At the higher color racing up Clark's face, Lex decided he'd better. Clark didn't just look embarassed, he looked _angry_.

"Clark--"

"I'm reading," Clark bit out tersely.

Lex shifted slightly in his seat. Okay. Maybe he should just wait until Clark was done with the incomplete set before...

\-- _shit_ , with the look he was getting from Clark, it was far more important to let Clark know **immediately** that: "I knew it wasn't you," first. _Damn Kansas homophobia._ If there had been one thing he'd enjoyed about his very liberal Ivy League college...

"I was just..." Lex groped for an explanation, before settling on the unvarnished truth -- that he was just "trying to figure out who it was."

"Uh huh," Clark said neutrally. Very, very neutrally. Oh shit, was he pissed off.

Thank _god_ his anger seemed to be directed at somebody else, and _not_ Lex.

"...I take it you have an idea who sent those texts, ah, through your account?" Lex asked carefully.

"Yes," said Clark, standing abruptly.

Lex tried not to flinch at how cold that had come out. Someone was in serious trouble.

He hoped it wasn't Chloe. Clark always got his most unreasonable around her whenever she pulled something, and this sort of thing... christ, they'd be fighting for months.

"It... just seemed odd, when you asked about Sun Tzu first thing when you sat down," Lex offered, courteously rising to his feet as he realized that Clark was actually standing to _leave_. Those texts had stayed in, not-so-oddly -- probably because Lex had described them more as a way of life and thought, than a guide for military strategy. The AI program had been drastically underinformed on some topics. "Because it came up in the--"

Clark turned towards him, and his visiage was totally devoid of any emotion whatsoever. His eyes in particular gave Lex the chills.

Lex lost track of what he had been saying.

"Yeah. I guess," Clark said, and it startled Lex. It took him a moment to actually parse what his friend had said, and by the time he realized that Clark was paying and turning to go...

"Clark..."

"Later."

Lex knew a dismissal when he heard one, so he didn't follow him out.

...not right away.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Lex met up with Clark at the Kawatche caves. ...Well, "met up" in the loosest sense of the word: Lex lost track of Clark on the way there, and didn't announce his presence when he arrived, but they were technically both there at the same time. That counted, didn't it?

Besides, it had been fairly obvious that that was where Clark must have been headed, given that that was where he had said he'd been this morning when the texts had been going through. Retracing his steps to figure out what had happened was only natural.

So, Lex more-or-less crept into the caves that he was holding in trust for the Kawatche preservation initiative, feeling a little like an eavesdropper. After all, if one of the Kawatche had something to do with this, Lex had a right to know.

He paused in the corridor, stepping closer to the wall, as he heard yelling around the bend. It sounded very Clark-like, that yelling.

" _I can't believe you did that!!!_ " he heard Clark yell even more loudly. Shit, he really was _beyond_ pissed off.

Lex didn't quite catch the reply as he inched forwards. It had sounded stangely echo-y though.

He frowned as he realized that he was approaching the large cavern with the most elaborate paintings -- the one where he'd found Clark, and then Dr. Walden, collapsed in turn -- and almost stepped into the cave-proper.

"No!" he heard Clark yell in sheer frustration. "You leave Lex out of this!"

Lex paused in the shadows and wavered. _What in the world--?_ Clark was defending him from someone?

The unknown voice boomed, "He is an ideal candidate for--"

"--I said _NO!_ " Clark shouted back, interrupting. "I'm not marrying him!"

Lex's eyes widened.

"And you aren't getting him to take over the world for me, either!"

Lex slapped a hand over his mouth and tried not to choke, because _Clark?_ Taking over--?!? _**WHAT?!?**_

"Hm," said the voice, and damn, but now Lex _had_ to know who the hell this was. He poked his head around the corner ever so slightly. 

"Perhaps I should enquire after other suitable candidates?" boomed out--

...nothing at all.

"No!" Clark yelled at the cave paintings on the wall.

Lex poked his head out a little further...

"You are being unreasonable, Kal-El," said the voice.

Lex paused, because, _...um, who?_

"Perhaps the Lana girl--" it continued.

"HELL NO!" Clark yelled immediately. "Not Lana, and especially not Lex!"

 _Oh. **Him.** Right..._ Lex thought weakly, a bit stunned.

"... _Especially_ not?" the voice asked inquisitively, and Lex winced and glanced around the cave a little less obliquely. --Thank god Clark's back was to him.

But there didn't seem to be any speaker equipment in the room, or anything else. Just Clark.

...The 'keyhole' in the wall looked like it might be glowing a little, though, from the play of light and shadows.

...

_...uh..._

"No!" Clark insisted irately. "If _anybody_ has to-- to conquer the world, then--"

And Clark let out a string of unintelligible syllables, half of which he seemed to stutter out for some reason and were making him blush so badly that Lex could see his ears turn bright red from behind.

Clark's difficulty with the unknown language only grew more apparent as _the wall_ repeated a string of the syllables he'd just tried to utter, and Clark shouted back, "Shut up -- you know what I meant!!"

And then the wall _sighed_ at him.

The probably-somewhat- _alien_ wall, which Lex had suspected was more than it seemed for some time. What he hadn't expected, though, was that when it had mind-blasted Clark that it might have done more than just shove a bunch of cave-symbols in his head.

So, yes. Taking stock of the situation in full: Lex was listening while Clark got in a yelling match with a prehistoric AI of alien orgin, which could text message people using other people's phones and apparently wanted to play gay matchmaker for Clark in a bid for world domination. Or subsumption. ...in a way that would result in clearly delineated class and/or social strata, if the text messages from earlier had been any indication.

Lex swallowed hard.

"--Whether or not I think he's handsome has _nothing to do with it!!_ " Clark belted out in growing frustration.

...

...You know what? Clark looked _really busy_ with that wall. Lex could come back later. He was a patient, patient man.

Or, you know, maybe he might _not_ come back. Ever. World-conquering sounded like a thing that maybe he shouldn't be doing. That would definitely cut into his LuthorCorp time a lot, he bet. That was a good reason not to, right?

Lex slowly, quietly edged his way back down the corridor and out of the caves.

When he got to the entrance, his phone *beep*ed at him.

He glanced behind him, and moved a few steps further away from the entrance before pulling it out.

...He had a text from Clark's number.

_13:40:29 -- Please do not be off-put by my son's outlandish behavior. He can be a bit unruly at times, but I think you would be eminently capable of handling him as Head of our House._

Lex stared at this for a moment.

Right. _Of course_ the wall had known he was there. The cave was nothing _but_ walls.

His phone *beep*ed at him again.

_13:40:34 -- Admittedly, he may not have been forced due to upbringing to be quite as unnaturally submissive as I had originally suspected. However, as most humans tend to switch roles quite easily, and you seem somewhat flexible in thought, I have no doubt that you could make an excellent Consort for Kal-El as well._

Lex blinked.

His phone *beep*ed at him again.

_13:40:36 -- Do you have any preferences for male or female offspring?_

Lex blinked again.

Then he calmly pulled the battery out of his phone. He tossed the battery into the woods before returning his phone to his pocket.

Lex just as calmly decided that, no, he was not in any sort of trouble at all. Not in the least.

Nope. No. Not him.

His _dead, depowered phone_ *beep*ed at him again.

...Okay, maybe just a little bit.

~*~*~*~*~*~


End file.
